Operation: Drive O'Neill Nuts
by mermaid2bseeker
Summary: What Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c decide to do to Gen. O'Neill for April Fool's.


Operation: Drive O'Neill Nuts  
by mermaid2bseeker

* * *

Disclaimer:  
I do not own anything of the Stargate Sg-1 'universe', although I wish I did. I also wish that the 'universe' really existed, that I was a part of it, that I was in Sg-1, and that I was married to Daniel Jackson. But now I'm getting into psychiatrist territory.  
A/N1:  
I realize that the main characters would never be caught dead doing this. But hey, this is humor, I really don't care.

* * *

Gen. Jack O'Neill paced his office. Why, oh why, did this have to happen now? Of all the years he had served in the SGC, why did it have to happen now? After he had just become a general.  
The entire universe was conspiring against him, that was the only explaination. The Tok'ra, the Goa'uld, the Asgard, and the Replicators had all banded together in a secret meeting to plan and organize 'Operation: Drive O'Neill Nuts.' And now they were implementing it.   
Nothing. That was what was happening. No Replicator attacks for Sg-1 to prevent, no secret mission the Tok'ra needed help with, no Goa'uld mother-ships en route to attack Earth. There was nothing for Jack to do.  
Well, there had to be something to do on this base. Jack left his office and walked to Colonel Carter's lab. There was always something going on in there.  
Sure enough, strange mechanical noises were emmanating from the entrance to the Colonel's lab.  
"Oh, hello," Sam said as she turned off the machine that was making the loud noises. "I didn't see you there, Colonel."  
"Yes, I know you're a colonel." Jack gave a barely noticable smirk.  
"What," Sam asked, confused. A moment later she realized that she had incorrectly addressed Jack. "Oh, sorry, sir."  
"Oh, you were talking about me?" He gave a little shrug, as if to say 'whatever.' "Please, please," Jack made a praying sign with his hands, "tell me you're making a big-honking-space-gun."  
"I'm making a 'big-honking-space-gun'," Sam replied.  
"Okay, now tell me what you're really making."  
Sam indicated a sheet of a strange-looking metallic material. "I'm creating electrically charged plates to help defend the Stargate from any unwanted visits from energy-based life-forms."  
"Ah." Jack nodded as though he understood what Sam had said, and this time he actually had. "Why?"  
Sam look at him strangely for a moment. "You _did_ read the request form I had filled about building this before you signed it?"  
Jack's thoughts wandered to the ever-growing pile of papers atop his desk. "I did," he lied, "but you know me, I didn't understand half of it. I want to hear it from you in English."  
"Ah." Sam didn't believe for a moment that he had actually read her form. "This plating will be given an electrical charge strong enough to mimic a force shield. As, of course you know, sir, Anubis used a force shield to contain his…essence. Now, since a force shield can contain an essence, it can also repel it." She pointed to the sheet, "this is one of many sheets that will be built. Then they will be welded together and formed into Iris 'slices.' After that they'll be welded onto the existing Iris 'slices' and charged."  
"Oh, right. Okay." _I have to remember to read the forms he told himself_. "Well, have fun." _Wonder what Daniel's doing_, Jack turned to leave.  
"I will, sir."  
  
After Jack left, Sam walked to her doorway and checked the halls to make sure he had gone out of sight. She gave the security camera currently aimed at her door a small wink.  
Sam went back into her lab and closed the door. She walked into the view of her lab's own security camera, removed a small cell-phone from her pocket and sent a call.  
Several levels above, in the security monitoring room, Teal'c sat at the desk watching the monitor that was showing the interior of Sam's lab. In his left hand was a small cell-phone identical to the one Sam was using. On cue he looked at the display where the words SAM CALLING flashed repeatedly. Luckily, he had made sure the ringer was turned off, otherwise the entire level would know he was receiving a call.  
Teal'c pressed the accept button and placed the cell-phone next to his ear.   
_ "Hey, thanks for the warning"._ Sam's voice came through the ear-piece.  
"You are welcome," Teal'c said in his usual half-emotionless tone.  
_ "Where's the general headed now?"_  
Teal'c pushed a button on the monitors' control panel. A monitor that had been showing one of the storage rooms on level 18 now showed Jack walking down one of the many corridors of the base.  
"Gen. O'Neill is headed for Daniel Jackson's office."  
"_You'd better warn him."_  
"Of course."  
Sam disconnected the call.  
  
Daniel was in his office, on his personal lap-top computer, browsing a speciality store's website. Every few moments he would press the 'down page' key to view more of the store's products. Finally he found something he liked and was about to click the 'add to shopping cart' icon, when something in his pants vibrated loudly (no double entendre intended). Daniel clicked the icon, reached into his pocket, withdrew a small cell-phone, and read its display. TEAL'C CALLING  
He pressed the accept button and held the phone up to his ear. "Hey, what's up?"  
_"O'Neill is headed your way."_ Teal'c answered.  
"Thanks."  
Teal'c hung up.  
As quickly as he could, without breaking anything, Daniel placed all the incriminating evidence in the bottom-most drawer of his desk. From the middle drawer he removed a large manila folder filled with pictures and note-paper, which he plopped atop his desk and opened. He hastily cluttered up the desk with some of the papers.   
  
Jack poked his head through the doorway into Daniel's office. The young arcaheologist was reclining in his chair examining some photos.  
"Hey," Jack said. "Whatcha doing?" he added in an almost sing-song like manner.  
Daniel didn't notice him.  
"Daniel," Jack said forcefully.  
"What?" Daniel asked, apparently startled.  
"Whatcha doing?" Jack repeated.  
Daniel took a deep breath and said, "I'm studying these very old writings from the Sg-7 expedition to H8R-57T. You see I think the writings are related to the writings we found a few years ago on P8S-34K. The inhabitants of which were decendants of the very old and very dead Pellopenisian culture. Which as you know, were not a very advanced people."  
Jack nodded as though he actually understood what Daniel had said. Not wanting to be rude Jack said, "Cool. Listen I gotta go. I got papers and stuff to fill out."   
"See you later."  
"Yeah." Jack tried not to walk too hastily away from the office door.  
  
After Jack left, Daniel scrambled out of his chair and checked the hallway to make sure the general was gone.   
Once back inside his office, Daniel quickly organized all the papers into their folder and stuck it back into the middle drawer. He pulled the lap-top out of the bottom drawer and flipped the screen up. Fortunately, he had disabled the 'flip-screen-off' feature, so the computer was still on, and he was still logged-onto the store's website.   
Using the mouse-touch-pad, Daniel clicked the 'check shopping cart' icon to make sure that his 'shopping cart' had all the items it was supposed to. Once satisfied he clicked the 'order' icon.   
  
_A few days later:_  
Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c were all sitting around Daniel's dining room table, with a large open cardboard box atop the table-top in front of them.  
"Are you certain we will not get in trouble for this?" Teal'c asked.  
"Oh yeah, absolutely," Daniel and Sam replied simultaneously.  
Teal'c cocked an eyebrow suspiciously.  
Daniel reached into the box and took out a checklist, which he read off as Sam checked the contents of the box.  
"Helium filled canisters."  
"Check."  
"Hawaiian skirt."  
"Check."  
"Variety wigs pack."  
"Check."  
"Spray paint."  
"Check."  
"Make-up."  
"Check."  
  
Five minutes later all the items had been checked, and the three of them were perusing the contents.  
Sam picked up a self-inflating whoopee cushion. "You're gonna plant this one, right?" she said to Daniel.  
"Of course."  
"Hey Teal'c, what…." Sam looked up from the box, and immediately started laughing hysterically. "Oh god… laughs Teal'c… laughs…"  
Daniel looked at Sam with a freaked out expression, which changed instantly when he saw what was making her laugh so hard. "laughs No, no, no, laughs…"  
Teal'c was wearing a Marilyn Monroe wig and holding a Hawaiian skirt against himself trying to figure out where exactly it goes around.  
"What is making you laugh?"  
Daniel quickly realized that Teal'c had no idea that what he was wearing was causing the laughter. "Uh, we…giggle we were just laughing at the idea of what we're about to do.giggle"  
Teal'c eyed him suspiciously.  
Daniel fought down his laughter. "Could I take a picture of you?"  
Since Teal'c had no idea what was to become of the picture, he replied, "If you wish."  
Daniel retrieved a little disposable camera from a drawer in his kitchen. Still slightly giggling he held up the camera. "Say chesse."  
"Cheese."  
Daniel snapped the picture. "Thanks," he said as he imagined all the places that picture could go.  
"You are welcome."  
"I think we have each others wigs," Sam pointed out.  
Daniel looked up to see the dreadlock wig hanging from his head. "Oh, right." He took it off and handed it to Teal'c, who handed the Marilyn wig to Sam, who in turn handed her long red wig to Daniel.  
"Much better," Sam said after they had all put on their respective wigs.  
Daniel reached into the box and pulled out a coconut bra and handed it to Sam. "I think this is yours," he said, fighting down the urge to giggle.  
"As is this." Teal'c handed her the Hawaiian skirt.  
"This…" Daniel pulled out shirt and pair of shorts, which he handed to Teal'c, "is yours."  
Teal'c held the shirt up to his chest. 'I CAN RELATE TO TREES' was printed in big capital letters along the top of the shirt.  
"And this…" Daniel pulled out a long red and gold dress, "is mine.—Oh I can't believe we're really doing this."  
He draped the dress over the back of his chair, removed the last bags from the box, and sat down. The first bag he opened had three helium cartridges in it. "Each of us gets one of these." He dealt a cartridges to each of them.   
"What do we do with these?" Teal'c asked uncertainly.  
"You close your mouth over the opening," Sam explained, "pull the tab, and breathe the helium in, and then speak like you normally would. The helium will alter the sound of your voice. After a few moments the effects will wear off."  
"Are you sure this is not harmful?"  
"Oh yeah, people do it all time."  
Teal'c eyed the cartridge with doubt.  
"Don't worry."  
The second bag Daniel opened had individually wrapped mini-make-up kits in it. He handed one to Sam, and one to himself. Teal'c didn't need one, for he wasn't dressing as a woman.  
"What's the spray-paint for?" Sam asked, pointing to one of the remaining bags.  
"Oh, I thought we could paint something," Daniel answered. "But then I remembered we don't want to cause any lasting damage. So we won't use those."  
The last bag contained various gags; rubber mice, whoopee cushions, fake coffee mugs, etc…. "I'll be in charge of planting these gags in places Jack usually goes," Daniel said.  
"Right," Sam agreed.  
"Did you get the…uh…whatchacallits?" Daniel asked Sam.  
"Yeah, I took a trip to Area 51 a week ago, and signed out the appearance-changer devices." Sam ducked under the table and retrieved her purse.  
She took a small plastic box out and put her purse back on the floor. Opening the box, she could see that the three, round, blue devices were all labeled. Each device had one of their names on it. "Oh, good, they labeled them. I was afraid we'd have to test them."   
She dealt the devices to their respective persons. "Remember," she told Teal'c as he took his, "your image will only last for about five minutes."  
Teal'c nodded.  
  
_April 1, 2005_  
Once again Jack was bored senseless. _Don't they know that they're supposed to come to me with huge-problems-that-I-need-to-solve-or-else-the-world-will-end.   
_ He opened one of the many folders that littered his desk. It was a mission report, he groaned aloud. He always hated writing mission reports, and he hated them even more now that he had to read them. Jack looked at the clock hoping it was time for lunch. _What, it's only 9:56!_ He quickly signed the report, slammed it closed, and filed it away. Jack sat back down and opened the next folder. _Aaaargghhh, another mission report._ Without even reading it he signed it. It was the same for the next twenty folders he opened. Soon his 'signed' pile grew to fifty reports.   
The next file he opened was a 'request to build' form. Oh, joy. Remembering what Sam had said about him not reading the request forms, Jack took the time to read this form.   
  
REQUESTER: Lt. Col. Samantha Carter  
REQUEST TO BUILD: A giant popcorn maker which uses the Stargate as a power souce.   
USE: The giant popcorn kernals will be used as projectiles to fight and kill Anubis.  
  
"Okay, everything seems in order," Jack said without really reading it. Then he noticed what it was asking for. He couldn't believe his eyes. Popcorn maker.  
_At least now I have something to do, other than sign forms,_ he thought to himself as he exited his office, file in hand.  
_ "Your request form worked, he's headed your way."_ Daniel's voice sounded through a tiny speaker concealed inside a hearing aid in Sam's ear.  
Sam bent down and fastened the roller skates to her shoes. Standing up, she made sure her wig was on right and her 'outfit' was covering everything it was supposed to.   
_ "He'll be heading down corridor K-27 in five seconds."_  
Sam counted to three, turned the corner and began to skate.  
  
Jack was walking down the hall when he heard a strange noise, it sounded like wheels. He looked up from re-reading the form in time to see Marilyn Monroe in a coconut bra and Hawaiian skirt, skating towards him. As she rolled closer, he realized that it was, in fact not Marilyn Monroe, but Colonel Carter in a wig. "Hi," she said, sounding exactly like Marilyn.   
"What!?!" Jack exclaimed as he watched Carter skate around a corner to where an elevator was.  
  
_"Change, quick! He's folowing you."_  
"Right." Sam attached the changer-device to her chest. Instantly she 'changed' into a uniformed version of herself. She pushed the elevator call button, as was the plan.  
  
When Jack turned the corner he saw Sam, uniformed, and waiting for an elevator.  
"Carter," he said cautiously.  
"Yes, sir." Sam said, forcing herself to keep a straight face.  
Jack pointed to the corridor behind him. "You weren't just…uh…"  
"Sir?"  
Jack shook his head. "Never mind," he said before walking away.  
When the elevator door opened Sam walked in and pressed the 16 button.   
  
"That was priceless," Daniel said as Marilyn-Sam walked into the security monitoring room. He and Teal'c were sitting there, already in costume, watching the monitors.  
"Yeah," Sam agreed as she walked behind a curtain they had had set-up. There she changed out of her costume and into her real uniform.  
She walked out from behind the curtain. "It's your turn," she told Daniel.  
"Right," Daniel said as he offered Sam his chair. "Wish me luck."  
"Luck."  
"Good luck Daniel Jackson."  
  
_"Okay, the coast is clear."_ Daniel heard Sam's voice in his ear. Quickly Daniel rushed to his office and closed the door.   
  
Jack decided that he would just ignore Sam's request form, pretend it didn't exist. Because in all likely-hood it didn't exist and this was all just a very odd dream that Jack would wake up from at any moment.  
  
He walked back into his office, shut the door, tossed the file towards the garbage can, it landed three feet from it's target. Maybe signing forms wasn't so bad after all. Jack sat down at his desk and opened another file. He had barely put the pen to paper, when his plain telephone rang.   
He pushed the speaker-phone button. "This is General O'Neill."  
  
_"Hey, Jack,"_ a strange woman's voice said. _"I've been waiting for you."_  
"Who is this, and how did you get this number?"  
  
Back in the security room, Sam used one of the control panel buttons to alter her voice.  
"I know all about you," she replied, barely holding her laughter.  
_"I'll ask again, who are you?"_ Jack asked.  
Sam hung the phone up, and pressed a series of keys om the computer's keyboard, while uncontrollably laughing.  
  
Jack stared at the silent phone in bewilderment. He hung up his end, picked the handset up, and pushed one of the 'line' buttons.  
"This is General O'Neill, I'd like you to trace a call that was placed to my phone about two minutes ago."  
  
Daniel, back in his office, made some keystroke sounds. "I'm sorry, General, but no calls have been made to your phone for the past hour," he replied through a voice changer.  
_"Are you sure?"_ Jack asked.  
"Positive," Daniel replied.  
  
Jack hung up the phone, he was totally and completely baffled. What was going on today? He was contemplating going to the infirmary when a voice over the loud-speakers said "GEN. O'NEILL, PLEASE COME TO DR. JACKSON'S OFFICE."  
  
Walking down the halls, Jack stopped the first SF he saw. "There was just an announcement for me, right?"  
"Yes, sir," answered the puzzled soldier.  
  
_"He's thirty seconds away,"_ Sam told Daniel through the ear-piece.  
Quickly Daniel opened his office door, turned the Cd player on his computer on, and cranked the volume all the way up.  
As Jack walked toward Daniel's office he could hear the sound of loud dance music. Looking around for a source he continued walking, and it soon became apparent that the music was coming from Daniel's office. Confused, Jack quickened his pace.  
  
_ "Five, four, three…"_ Sam said to Daniel.  
At three Daniel sat down and began doing a strange sitting-down version of the Macarana to the music.  
Jack looked into Daniel's office. Daniel in a Hathor costume was sitting at the desk, doing a strange dance. He shut his eyes and softly shook his head, as if to rid himself of the weird image.  
  
_ "Now,"_ Sam said.  
As fast as he could Daniel squeezed the device into his palm, and at the same time hit the 'enter' key to stop the music.  
When Jack reopened his eyes, there was no Hathor, there was no music. Daniel was sitting at his computer typing vigorously. He didn't even notice the general standing at his door.   
Without saying anything, Jack hurried away.  
  
"Too bad I didn't have time to place but one gag," Daniel said as he re-entered the monitoring room.   
"Yeah, but I think we're doing enough," Sam said.  
"Hey Teal'c, you're up," Daniel said.  
Teal'c just nodded and exited the room.  
  
Jack, instead of heading to his office went to the mess hall. It was lunch-time and all those hallucinations were making him hungry.   
"Hey, Daniel," Sam called.  
"Yeah," his voice came from behind the curtain.  
"Jack's eating lunch." She watched the monitor showing the mess hall.  
"Really?" Daniel sat next to her. "This gives me an idea."  
  
Teal'c walked toward Jack's office. _"Hey, Teal'c,"_ Daniel said to him. _"There's been a slight change of plans…"  
_  
After Jack finished eating, he headed back to his office. He still had a lot of reports to sign.  
He opened the door to his office and was about to walk in when he saw Teal'c sitting cross-legged atop his desk. He was wearing a shirt that had I CAN RELATE TO TREES written on it, and had suddenly grown dreadlocks.  
"Teal'c?" Jack asked uncertainly. As he walked in he checked behind the door for any surprises.  
"I have a message for you, from the great beyond," Teal'c proclaimed in a weird helium-altered voice.  
"Why are you sitting on top of my desk?"  
"Would you like to hear your message?"  
"Okay, I'll bite. What's my message?"  
Both Sam and Daniel popped up from behind the desk, "APRIL FOOLS!" they shouted as one, in their helium-altered voices. They were each wearing their costumes' wigs, and holding their costumes by hangers.  
"You mean, you…" Jack was at a loss for words. "It was all you, wasn't it, the phone call, everything."  
The three of them nodded their heads fervently.  
"I need to sit down." As Jack sat in his chair a loud farting noise could be heard throughout the office and the control room.  
  
The end.

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A/N2:  
Please review. 


End file.
